*Trigger Warning*: Death, Suicidal Ideation, Depression
Before I share what I wrote after deeply connecting to my body during meditation tonight, I want to preface this.
This may greatly trigger you. It would have triggered me ten years ago when I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have grappled with life and death through my own experience and through personal loss. I have experienced suicidal ideation, and lost someone to suicide. I do not say these words lightly or without deep, loving thought.
If you believe in reincarnation and that we all come from Creator/Source Love, then this is for you.
I choose life because I love life and I want to help: myself and others and Life itself. I love life and I love death and that's okay. That's actually a really great place to be as a Medium. So of course I want to die, my soul knows where it came from, and of course I want to live, my soul knows why it is here. It's okay to be caught in the middle and have shades of gray about wanting to live or die. It's actually probably a more sane response. It feels terrifying to think or say or write that because I've been trained to be afraid of those thoughts and avoid them. I used to always call suicidal ideation irrational, but maybe, in the grand scheme of things, it's actually rational because it wants to end pain and just rest, and being reconnected to Source Love.
It goes back to duality, which is what this planet is all about. I'm allowed to love Death and Life. We need both, and both are the same anyway. They are all Love.
It's okay to feel suicidal. It doesn't mean I'm going to act on it. I can trust myself.
After coming to this conclusion, I feel much more content living my life now.
Sending love to you all.
(Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. Please seek medical assistance if you are having a crisis or emergency. In the US, 988 is a great mental health resource.)